Over the hump

It appears that my week-long compulsive binge is over. To be honest, the whole thing has been pretty damn scary. I could NOT stop eating. Then I’d feel horribly guilty, like a failure, and then throw up. On purpose. I worried about how many calories were still going to be absorbed, so then I’d take a laxative. I KNOW this is the opposite of the well-rounded, balanced eating I’m supposed to be focused on. The weird thing is, I know that if I could just control the eating, I’d be good. That’s what happened in the first month of my pre-op diet: lots of nutritious, well-balanced eating, none of the old standby gimmicks.

Month two began with a feeling of accomplishment (I had lost 13 pounds!) and I started to get lazy with the plan. I ate small amounts of a couple of bad things (like ice cream or fritos). Those small amounts triggered the Binge From Hell, which triggered compensatory behaviors like barfing. Now that the binge is over and I’m back to normal eating, I can see the pattern. Other factors contributing to the binge, I think, are: school started back and I’m way too busy to meal-plan, plus frustrations at work & new job interviews. That’s all it takes for me to lose control. That’s how I got to be 364 pounds.

If there’s any good news, it’s this: My weight is down 4 pounds this month. I’m peeing like a banchee so I know I’m not dehydrated. That’s actual pounds lost.  My weight at this very moment is 347 pounds. I’d like to at least lose two more before my doctor’s appointment Monday.

All I know is, paying attention to my eating behaviors is scary shit.

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One Response

  1. […] June 19th, 2007 Month 2 is over, and it has been a wild ride. […]

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