We’re surrounded by idiots.

Literally.

Lee & I live in a new subdivision. So new, in fact, that we were the first couple to sign a contract or to move in. We’ve been here since February, and the houses around us are s-l-o-w-l-y selling (the Central Florida real estate market is pretty f’d up right now). In March, two couples moved in across the street. One couple–Steve & Misty–are our new BFF’s. They’re about our age and they’re loads of fun (only exception: their dog is very horny, and he’s always humping our legs).

Then there’s Rob & Christy, also around our age, but decidedly not loads of fun. Everything about them is boring. Boring clothes, boring cars, boring haircuts. Even a boring routine. I can tell you, on any given day, when they will be home and when they won’t because they’re that predictable. But aside from their propensity for odd parking formations, they’re everyone’s dream neighbor–quiet, friendly, and unobtrusive.

So me & Lee, Steve & Misty, and Rob & Christy have coexisted peacefully as the only three couples in this neighborhood since February. Those were the good ol’ days.

Three weeks ago, a family moved into the huge two-story also across the street. They’re nice enough, but they’re also a little… um… unstable. Every few days, I hear the husband yelling at the top of his lungs about how stupid somebody is (usually his wife), and it often involves a string of expletives. Lee mentioned this to our builder’s sales representative, who relayed a story about this guy that literally gives me goosebumps. Apparently, he and his wife were selecting tile for their kitchen and disagreed on colors. So he called her an asshole and shoved her through a sliding glass door. In a model home. If he does that in front of people, what does he do when nobody’s watching? The only upswing about this couple is the fact that they have three adorable children. The kids are awesome and sweet and the middle one is named Meghan (with the “h”!) and so she automatically gets five extra cool points.

But the idiots I referenced in my title are none other than our newest neighbors. Sadly, they didn’t join the growing clan of across-the-street neighbors. No, they’re of the right-next-door variety. They’ve been here only 6 days, and I smell trouble.

Example 1: Lee is outside washing his precious car, and Mr. Idiot comes over and begins to chat with Lee while he washes. Which is fine. Except he never leaves. He stays the entire time, and keeps touching Lee’s car. His precious car. With his hands. Even I don’t touch Lee’s car ever ever ever, especially if he’s watching! Except for the rare occasion when we actually use Lee’s car to go somewhere. (Now there’s a novel idea: cars for transportation, and not for show-pieces!)

Example 2: The neighbors invited themselves over for dinner. Now, I’m all for new-neighbor orientation activities, but I think the anti-self-invite rule still applies. It is not polite to suggest that I serve you a meal, no matter what the circumstance. We got out of it simply because we’ve been gone every single night this week for one thing or another.

Example 3: But since we couldn’t have them over for dinner, they asked to just look in our house to see what it’s like. Now, is it me, or is that just weird? Unfortunately, I wasn’t around when this took place, and Lee caved. So they both came over, checked every room in the house, and commented that we “need more color.” Mmm kay.

Example 4: They have a white bench sitting in the middle of the front yard. I was hoping it was just out there as a temporary transition during the move, but it hasn’t budged. I think they put it their intentionally. (note to self: check the homeowner’s rules about lawn furniture.)

Example 5, THE CLENCHER: I came back from the grocery store today, and Mr. Idiot was smiling at me on his little riding lawn mower as he CROSSED RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF OUR FRONT YARD. Yes, he drove his f’ing lawn mower through OUR yard. I was stunned, but looked around and noticed a zig-zag pattern crossing the entire damn front yard. I gave him the evil eye, woke my husband up from his nap, and informed him that this asshole was butchering our yard. Lee jumped up, looked out the window, and went ballistic. It was awesome. He ran outside, and told the guy to stop cutting our grass (nicely). Then he came back in, got more and more angry, and went back outside, motioning that “this is MY yard” and “THIS is YOUR yard” to demonstrate the property lines to Mr. Idiot. Lee was so upset, he went outside to cut the remainder of our yard so that it wouldn’t look quite so hideous.

Mr. Idiot, you’re going down. You touched his car. You touched his yard. Let’s hope you’ve learned some boundaries, or the next 6 days aren’t going to be pretty.

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One Response

  1. Hi! I saw your post on OH…then came here. I laughed and laughed…we are moving into a new home in a new subdivision next month…and have visions of the same thing happening..We have even named our neighbors behind us…….(although we don’t know them at all!)

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