Emotions 10/31

This is getting really old. It’s not like my emotions are remarkably different from one day to the next. Guess I should just keep doing what the psychologist says….

Today, once again, I feel worried and anxious about the things I need to do.

I also feel relieved because I’m taking vacation days Thursday and Friday to catch up on my coursework. It will still be hard to get everything done (having the day off doesn’t mean I have the ability to focus on assignments for 10-hour blocks of time), but at least I know there will be time for me to finish everything so long as I actually do it when I’m supposed to.

All is well!


Emotions 10/30

3rd post of the day. Feast or famine, I suppose.
Today I feel, once again, worried because I have too much to do and not enough time to do it.

I also feel ecstatic about the possibility of a fellowship and confident that I’m doing the right thing. I’m also proud that with disciplined eating yesterday, I was able to reverse the effects of a weekend of not-so-careful eating. I am excited because my insurance issue seems to be in capable hands for the time being. I’m at peace because I no longer feel like my surgery has to be scheduled in December. I feel powerful and capable. 

PhD Update

Ok, so we’ve already been over this, but things happen at lightening speed and change 40 times a day in my world. Welcome to it.

Without going through the whole entire saga, suffice to say that I am definitely not applying for the PhD program this spring, nor will I take any spring or summer classes as a non-degree-seeking student. Why, you ask? Because the Director of the program rocked my world yesterday afternoon.

Here’s the deal: she doesn’t want me to apply for spring because if I can’t be full-time (not possible during/after surgery), I’ll lose the possibility of funding. And as I’ve said, I am at my personal limit for student loans. Makes me want to gag a little.

Anyhow, she doesn’t want me to apply for spring. She wants me to apply for fall. Because if, by December, I can raise my GRE score a mere 100 points, she can guarantee me a fellowship that means free tuition as well as $17,000 per year in cold hard cash beginning with the Fall 2008 semester. After two years, that money would make a significant dent in my student loan debt. Like, seriously.

This feels like a very, very good thing. Interim goal: improve GRE score (also a nice distraction from insurance approval!). Spring: submit application materials, heal and focus on health, Summer: keep focusing on health, gear up for program. Fall: off and running! I’ve already worked out the course progression, and I’d be done with coursework by December 2009 and I’d just have dissertation work to do every semester after that until I’m finished.

The only minor issue is that this means I’ll need to make student loan payments this spring and summer, which is what I had planned to do anyway. When I gave my parents the great news about the fellowship possibility, they offered to pay my $400 a month in student loans during spring and summer. That was awfully generous, but of course I refused. It’s my debt, not theirs. And of course I don’t mind doing some extra work–in fact, I just got hired as a home agent for 1800flowers.com, so we’ll see how that goes.

I feel very peaceful about this change in events. I am grateful that I could be considered for a fellowship! What a blessing!

Now on to scour Amazon.com for GRE test-prep materials….


I’m an idiot. I was calling the insurance company’s pre-certification department. I should have been calling the pre-determination department. Poor Odalys at my surgeon’s office finally called to set me straight (she was probably getting sick of my emails!).

Odalys said that we should wait about 30 days before we can start calling the insurance company (me? WAIT? ha!). Of course, I hung up with her and called the correct department at BCBS. Fortunately, I got an awesome guy on the phone (Rick, you rock!) and he not only confirmed that my docs had been received (by mail, mind you) but also that he was going to fill out some paperwork right then and there and move it along in the process. He said, “I’ll take over from here, and you will be good to go.” I heart you, Rick.

He even said I could call back in a few days to check in on things. My hero.  So what’s next? I’ll call back on Friday to make sure that my file is under review in the pre-determination department. For now, more waiting and trying to remain chill.

Isn’t this supposed to be easy?

I expected to be waiting on insurance approval by now. Instead, I’m still trying to make sure the freakin’ documents get to the insurance company. Last week, BCBS told my surgeon’s office that the documents had to be mailed to a P.O. Box. By Friday, they had not yet received my pre-certification information, so they gave me a fax number where the documents could be sent. Friday afternoon, docs had not been received. Monday morning, docs had not been received. Monday afternoon, docs had not been received. I called and emailed the insurance coordinator asking her to re-fax my info to BCBS, as I learned that their fax machines are turned off after 4pm each day.

I mean, seriously. This is retarded. The information is ready, it has been sent at least twice already, and I’m still having to worry about when and if my insurance company will enter my information into their network. GAH!

Emotions 10/29

Today I feel nervous about meeting with the Director of the PhD program. I’m disappointed that 3 pounds have miraculously re-appeared according to the scale this morning. I’m concerned because BCBS still can’t confirm they’ve received my pre-certification paperwork.

I feel grateful that I got to spend so much time with my husband yesterday and that we were able to talk about getting him in to see my counselor (appt Friday). I’m excited about this afternoon’s meeting, and I’m looking forward to my sister’s birthday dinner Friday night.  I’m confident that if I just  keep doing what I’m supposed to do, those three pesky pounds will come right back off (and hopefully take some of their miserable friends with them). I’m also confident that I’ll get confirmation by the end of the day that my case is finally under review with BCBS.

Emotions 10/28

Today I feel worried about all the things I have coming up this week: meetings all day Monday, PhD app due Tuesday, and a million projects both large and small. I know I’ll get it all done, I just worry about finding the time.

Today I am grateful that Lee has the day off of work. He’s washing the car now, and then we’re going to spend the day having a picnic lunch and walking around downtown during this year’s arts festival. Fun!