Emotions galore

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but I did begin seeing a psychologist to discuss “food issues.” It’s not through insurance, so I’ve been able to be open about purging and other craziness. Except for this psych, the only other person with a clue is my husband, and that’s only because he couldn’t figure out how I could each so much and still lose weight. Now he just points out what a ginormous waste of money it is to buy food just to barf it up. So not only am I calorically irresponsible, I’m also financially irresponsible. Great! I just keep telling myself that I need to do whatever I can to lose weight before surgery, and that I’ll deal with the emotional stuff later. I know that’s dangerous.

So anyway,  the psychologist has me reciting affirmations 25 times per day. I am supposed to repeat “If I follow my diet and exercise, I will lose weight” and “I can make positive food choices.” I’ve been reciting them in the car on my way to work and let me tell ya… this works! Now I think to myself “I can make positive food choices” right before I binge on a Whopper Jr (which I realize doesn’t really constitute a binge). It’s awesome! HA.

Then at my latest appointment, I was instructed to write down one negative and one positive emotion everyday. This is supposed to be training in order to get more in touch with how I’m feeling and how it affects food choices. I started doing this little exercise on various scraps of paper,  but that got to be messy. I don’t want to leave my emotional dumpings lying about for coworkers to find them. So I bought a moleskin notebook to carry in my purse, but it ends up being a collecting place for various brain spatter (drop off the crock pot at mom’s, buy Lee’s halloween costume, run by the bank before 9…).

So lucky you, it’s going to be recorded here. They’re going to be short entries, and I’m supposed to be doing this every day, which equates to approximately twice per week.  So here we go:

Today I feel disappointed because I put so much effort this week into helping a problem student and the only thanks I get is an email from her bitching me out (she, of course, copied my boss). I’m also anxious because I have so much to get done this weekend in terms of homework.

I feel grateful toward the student who left a dozen roses outside my door last night. I guess for every exceptionally bad student, there’s an exceptionally great one. I am also grateful that my boss knows me well and doesn’t believe everything he hears. I also feel triumphant for handling so many issues while another boss left me in charge today, and I’m proud of myself for saying “no” instead of being a pushover. I’m also glad that I decided to call BCBS today, glad that they said it was ok to fax my docs, and I’m glad that Odalys said she’d send them in right away. I feel hopeful that this is being handled and that the process is moving along. I’m also pleased with my husband. He’s so good to me, and it made me laugh when he called to see if the lunch I packed for him 2 weeks ago (that he finally found in the back of the fridge at work) was ok to eat (NO!!!). I’m excited about the Halloween party tomorrow night, and I’m glad that Lee will be off of work and can come too. I feel relieved that all of my PhD recommendations are in and that I only have a few minor things to get done before Tuesday’s deadline.

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2 Responses

  1. Let us not discuss the Whopper Jr. Because, that was lunch #2 today here.

  2. Somehow I have missed the whole “barfing” thing until this post! This is not good, but I’m sure you know that. Are you bulimic or just using it as a tool to lose weight? Meg, I know you don’t know me from Adam, but the whole puking thing is so not good on so many levels.

    I actually tried it once using syrup of ipecec and thought for sure I was dying. I knew then that there was no way I could ever be bulimic, if I wanted to (I know it is way more psychological than just “wanting to”).

    Anyway, lecture over and if I misinterpreted something, I apologize. Just take care of yourself, okay??

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