Full Disclosure

You know the C25K (Couch to 5k) program I’ve been raving about?

It’s hard. Really hard.

And so I’m postponing it. Not quitting. Just postponing. I enjoyed the first 4 weeks, but that jump to week 5 was KILLER. I’m not up for 5-minute jogs. 3 minutes were great. Invigorating even. But 5? Five feels like my heart will explode.

I truly love cycling. It’s my exercise passion. I do not feel the same way about jogging. I mean, I want to (I WILL) complete a 5k for the sake of doing it. But now? With school and work pulling me in 8 million different directions every single day? It’s tough to make yourself go to the gym to do something you don’t enjoy.

So postponing.

And the good news is this past week I’ve been able to do all kinds of FUN things at the gym that I missed. Like lift weights! And when my alarm clock goes off at 5:30 am, I don’t ignore it. And that is more important than finishing this program on my original timeline.

Advertisements

Photo Time

So when I say “I’ll take pictures and post them asap,” that might mean two days. I’m just fast like that.

To celebrate reaching 199.2 (198.8 now!), I went out and got a pedicure with my sister who was in town this weekend. And she surprised me with a $50 gift card to Old Navy. Apparently, she got it for my birthday or something, but it was stuck in a side pocket of her purse. So double surprise! The only rule is that I can’t use it until I’m a size 12.

Rachel took some pictures of me at my mom’s house while we were getting ready to leave for the pedicures. This is not what I look like on a typical day. I never, ever, ever wear dresses. But this black cotton dress is an XL from Old Navy, and I bought it a couple weeks ago for a mere $6.99. It’s too low-cut for work, plus it’s just plain t-shirt material, so I thought I’d better wear it on the weekend while I had the chance. Anyhow, here’s what I look like these days (click on the photos to view larger if you dare):

And I have to be honest. When I saw these, I was like, “dang! I still look so fat!” It’s true, I still have a long way to go. I also thought, “Holy Crap I NEED A BREAST LIFT.” Also true.

But I can look at the pictures. And that says a lot.

CELEBRATION!!!

Just when you think it’s never going to happen…

BAM! Onederland is onederful! (Yes, that’s lame, but I’m excited, mmkay?)

I’m so excited, in fact, that I’m posting this picture despite my nasty toes. I haven’t had a pedicure since February and it shows. But today? Today I’m going to treat myself!

Obviously, it makes sense that I would post a picture to show you what 199.2 looks like on me. But, alas, I’m home alone and the best I can do is upload a couple photos Lee has taken of me in the last couple weeks. Neither of these were at my exact current weight… these are more like 207 and 205 I’d guess.

But since this is a pretty momentous occasion, I hereby solemnly swear to actually have somebody take a picture of me today or tonight and I’ll update asap.

In the meantime:

Here’s me in the kitchen slicing onions with red eyes. And I’m wearing my husband’s jeans (woot!):

And here’s me checking my email one night in my pajamas. This hairdo is how I wear my hair 80% of my life: in bed, at the gym, etc. My ass looks ginormous here, but whatever. At least I have a jawline!

And the numbers:

I’ve officially lost 165 pounds.

100 pounds since surgery.

Exactly 25 pounds until I’m no longer obese and just plan “overweight.”

54 pounds left until “normal.” (Crap… 54 pounds is nothin’. I’ve already lost that 3 times!!)

Wheeee!

Eeek!

I scheduled a plastic surgery consultation. It’s not until March 11th, but still. It’s scheduled.

This particular appointment is at a semi-local medical school where residents perform surgery for a reduced fee. That’s kinda scary, but hey… I’m on a budget. I’ll check out traditional surgeons as well.

Lee won’t let me go to Mexico and get my whole body fixed for $10k. But then again, maybe he’ll change his mind as I continue to wrinkle and drape in lovely ways. (How’s that for a word picture?)

Over that hump

So I’ve been stuch at around 205 for weeks and weeks. Not just in my mind… I double-checked in Fitday where I log my weight. It has been weeks!

I know stalls are normal. I see people whine about them all the time at OH. But this isn’t normal for me. Not when I’m doing the C25K and cycling 40 miles on Saturdays. Calories in versus calories out? Something didn’t add up.

So when I realized I had eaten my SECOND ginormous bag of popcorn from a local grocery chain’s deli, I realized snacking on popcorn over 4 days isn’t any different than how I ate before surgery. (Except that it would have been over 4 hours, not 4 days).

I have been treating my body like I’m in maintenance mode. I’ve been snacking, enjoying carbs (hello wheat thins!), and here’s the big confession: I even ate a regular full-sugar oatmeal raisin cookie. The sad part? No ill effects. I’ve been way to lenient with my food choices, and I actually feel the difference. I feel fat, I feel frustrated, I feel out of sorts.

So I stopped and asked myself, “Meghan, WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?” Why are you PURPOSEFULLY staying at 205? Because while my mind was frustrated with 205, I was making conscious choices holding me there.

And of course that question revealed some real fears:

  • All the reasons I started packing on weight in the first place happened in the 100’s. I was never comfortable with my body there. So there’s psychological associations with the 100’s that are scary for me (or were back in the day)
  • I’m afraid of how my body is going to look as I keep losing weight. The skin thing? It’s not true what they say. Being young doesn’t help.
  • The closer I get to my goal of 145, the bigger the fear of failure. What if I don’t get there?

So I’ve been resting comfortably at 205. Accepting all the “You look GREAT!” compliments, buying my size 14’s, thinking this is the life. But it’s not.

Yes, to keep going is scary. I’m embarking on new territory. I don’t know what to expect down there near “normal.” But I owe it to myself to find out!

And so it’s back to basics yet again. Protein shakes (I use Pure Protein ready-to-drinks, on sale this week at Vitamin Shoppe!), water, 5 days of exercise no-questions-asked. Time to get this train moving again.

This morning? 203. Choo choo!