Prepare for Cheesiness

I had a bit of a “moment” this morning that was all self-reflective and emotional. Now it just seems stupid and cheesy, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

Life has been out of whack lately. There was end-of-semester stuff, and then the holidays, and then Lee on vacation from work, and my 27th birthday. Today is the first “normal” routine day I’ve had since some time in November. And during this time, I’ve been barely keeping my head above water when it comes to eating and exercise… let’s just say it’s a miracle I haven’t gained any weight.

But today I crawled out of bed at 5:30 am to get back to my previous every-morning no-matter-what gym routine. The cardio theater was closed, so I went to the women’s area of the gym. It must have been quite a while since I’ve used that room, because when I saw myself in those mirrors I was shocked. I look totally different than I did the last time I saw myself working out in front of those mirrors. So I kind of smiled to myself and kicked it up a notch on the elliptical.

Can I tell you how good it felt to work out early in the morning again? I don’t know how long it’s been, but I was craving getting back into my routine. It felt awesome. So I finished my 30 minutes of cardio, did about 20 minutes of weights, and headed home.

And after I took my shower, got dressed, and applied all my makeup, I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I’d been staring at myself all morning–duh, you need to look in the mirror to put on makeup! But for a second I really looked at myself and just started crying.

And like a total loon, I took that moment there in the mirror to say Thank You. Thank you to God for bringing me through a major life change that won’t ever be over. But mostly, I’m beyond thankful to myself in April 2007 for going to see a doctor. I’m thankful to myself throughout the rest of 2007 for seeing a nutritionist and learning about food. I’m thankful to myself for having surgery January 22, 2008 and I’m thankful to myself for every workout, every counseling session, every bike ride, ever new item of clothing, and every compliment I’ve experienced in the last year. I’m not saying I’m “done,” but I’m thankful to be where I am right now!

When I was a teenager, I would sometimes think, “If I could just take back every piece of pizza and every chip I’ve ever eaten, I wouldn’t be fat right now.”

Right now I’m thinking, “Thank you, Meghan, for every bit of discipline you showed day in and day out over the last two years. Thank you for taking care of yourself! Thank you!”

I couldn’t really figure out if this was metaphorically my current self saying thank you to my previous self for the decisions I’ve made, or my previous self saying thank you to my current self for escaping a miserable body weight… I still don’t know and I don’t suppose it matters. But this is about so much more than weight! It’s simply learning how to live with some semblance of balance and learning to take care of my body. So simple.

So I looked at myself, said these things, and ruined my mascara. Maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s the start of a new year, and age 27 and my upcoming 1-year surgery anniversary, but I am beyond thankful.

The decisions I made in 2007 and 2008 resulted in the outcome I’m living in 2009. I’m so thankful for the choices I made. Even more importantly, I’m in tune with the reality that doing the hard things day in and day out mean health and well-being and happiness in my tomorrows. And when I make those choices, I don’t have to beat myself up over my yesterdays.

This is my mom hugging me at her birthday celebration (in a smoky bar!), but today was more like a great big hug to myself!


And you know? These new wrinkles in my cheeks when I smile just kind of appeared out of nowhere. I know we women aren’t supposed to enjoy wrinkles, but I kinda like them! 🙂


2 Responses

  1. Way to go girlfriend! You deserve every moment of appreciation for the journey you’ve been on… and I for one am better for having gone through some of it with you. If I could get my crazy system stable – I’d be joining you on those workouts!

  2. Aw, Meg! I loved this post! How is it we so seldom realize how far we have come? When I am just truckin’ through my day, I forget about this new and improved (though still belching) body I am toting around and then I realize I can buy something off a rack or catch a glance at myself in a mirror and am just amazed.

    I’m so glad you were amazed today because I was so amazed looking at that photo of you on the bike. I only met you 7 months ago and you have come SO far even since then! You look incredible and yeah, I kinda like my new wrinkles too 😉
    Love ya!

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